October 11

work is stressful lately.  even the word 'stress' bothers me.  i had to bring jody something today that she put in a patient chart when it should've been kept out & it turned into a big confrontational situation.  i had to take deep breaths to calm down because i was shaking and my heart was beating super fast.  anyways, i'm also an emotional mess because i went off of my birth control & am on my first real period since.  and kristy is talking about getting back together with brown which has been in the back of my mind since last night and is making me worry.  richard left this morning for deer camp and he won't be back until sunday night and that is making me sad.  and we hung out with denny last night and i don't want to admit it, but i have a small crush on him.  i know it's normal to be engaged and still find other people attractive.  also i've been thinking about kids. a lot. like every time i see someone with their kids i am watching and trying to determine if i want that in my life.  i told richard right now i feel like i am mostly No on the subject and he thinks we are too young to decide now.  i think he wants kids and i don't want him to hate me 5 years from now when i still don't.  i don't have anything against them really, i just think it's a big undertaking.  i think it's exhausting and expensive, not that it's not rewarding i'm sure, but i don't think the rewards would be worth it for me personally.  i know that i am a selfish person, selfish with my money and my time.  i am a very emotional person, a very introverted person who gets drained easily.  time is important to me, to recharge, time to take long baths and drink beer, time to go out and do photoshoots or drive around or watch tv or whatever without having to worry about another person.  without having to worry about daycare or babysitters or not being able to watch anything but spongebob.  i don't think i'm built to be a mother- i can barely take care of myself sometimes & i probably need to be taken care of more than the average person.  i don't think i'm suited to deal with how draining it would actually be and to try to figure out school and homework and sports and life obstacles for someone else let alone my own life.  i know that whatever comes your way, you take it as it comes.  i do that now, pretty successfully, but to do it for myself and another person seems huge.  anywayysss this post makes me feel like a goddamn adult because my diary entries used to be way less heavy ha.